Hold on To Me
by strawberrypockywolf
Summary: After Sirius is killed in the Ministry of Magic Remus blocks everything away, trying to ignore his feelings of intense grief. One night he simply cannot deal with everything anymore. A one-shot that contains slash, angst, and suicide. SBRJ


A/N: I was inspired to write this by a very strange dream I had the other night where Remus killed himself. Now, normally I would say that Remus would be strong enough to get through his grief but Ihope that I made it plausible enough to be believed. Flamers will have their heads ripped off and put on my wall as warning to others. Anyway…enjoy and review!

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and the song is by Evanescence.

_Hold on to me, love_

_You know I can't stay long_

_All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid. _

_Can you hear me?_

_Can you feel me in your arms?_

A key shoved itself into the knob of a door and for a moment it stayed there, unwilling to turn and unlock. Then the lock gave way and the knob turned and the door opened. A haggard looking man with red rimmed stumbled into his apartment, heaving a sigh and choking back the sob that came unbidden with it. He shoved the key in the pocket of his tattered robes and walked over to the dirty orange couch that was pushed against the white wall. Remus J. Lupin and never looked worse, even after a full moon. With a heaving sigh he let his body fall onto the rickety couch, reaching behind the couch and drawing a dusty bottle from the depths of the darkness. The bottle rested on his chest, his hand clutching the neck and his eyes on the liquid inside. The label of the bottle was nearly rubbed away but you could still see what it said, even though it was unreadable in the darkness. He knew what the label read though; he knew that it said Oldgen's Old Firewhiskey on the worn label.

It had been three or four years since he had last seen this half-filled bottle of liquor, the last time he had seen it was after had Sirius had broken out of prison. It had been a way of taking his mind off the world, off the fact that the person he thought was a traitor was out in the open again. Sirius…a sob can unbidden to his lips and he shut his eyes tightly, pushing away the tears that filled his eyes. He raised the dusty bottle to his lips, feeling the fire that was inside without the liquid even touching his lips. Then he stopped. Sirius always hated it when he drank, and if Sirius found out about this…he stopped the thought immediately. It had been two weeks since the event in the Ministry of Magic and Remus had stopped talking to his friends. He had withdrawn inside himself, refusing to admit what was true.

_Holding my last breath,_

_Safe inside myself,_

_Are all my thoughts are of you,_

_Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight._

With a sudden fierce anger he sat upright and hurled the bottle against the wall, the glass breaking immediately upon impact. The liquid splattered on the floor and the wall, a dark liquid stain against the white. Then a cross between a sob and howl tore from his mouth and he fell onto his knees from the couch, burying his face in his hands. In the two weeks since Sirius had died he had not even cried once, except for within the Ministry and directly after it. All of his emotion had been locked inside his chest, buried deep inside as if he could hide the pain away and thus bring his best friend back to life. The realization of everything suddenly hit him and he was filled with such anger and grief and confusion that it spilled out of his figure in a wordless roar and then incoherent words.

At last his throat became hoarse and his voice dropped to a whisper. "Why Sirius? Why?" At last he realized what was truly wrong. This was not about loosing his best friend. This was about loosing someone that he loved with all of his heart. It hit him like a freight train, the realization of his feelings dropped a huge weight upon him and he crumpled beneath its force.

_I'll miss the winter,_

_A world of fragile things,_

_Look for me in the white forest,_

_Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)_

_I know you can hear me, _

_I can taste it in your tears…_

Nearly twenty years ago something had happened, something huge that affected his relationship with Sirius forever. It had come out of the blue and surprised both of them when it had happened. One night, the last week of school, when both of them sat in armchairs by the fire in the empty Gryffindor common room something had come over them. It was Remus who had been struck first, something within him snapped and he leapt out of his seat, leaping to his friend and pressing their lips together. It had been almost entirely unconscious; he hadn't meant to do it. Yet he did not feel the urge to pull away, nor did Sirius push him away. It felt…natural. That had been the beginning of something far greater. They hadn't kissed again, at least not quickly after that. Then Sirius had been captured and sent to Azkaban, and Remus had thought him a traitor.

_Holding my last breath, _

_Safe inside myself,_

_Are all my thoughts of you,_

_Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight._

Sobbing Remus thought about every single moment he had ever spent with Sirius, feeling a frightening emotion as he thought back. It was love. He was in love with Sirius, and neither of them had ever had the wits to see it. It was Sirius who had always kept him sane during the worst of the full moons, Sirius who had prodded a laugh from him whenever he was worried, Sirius who had kept him dying twice. It was all Sirius. And now he was gone. The truth in that statement was too much to bare. With a choked back sob he stumbled to his feet and disappeared from the room, coming back with two things. One was a picture, a picture of him and Sirius from their school days. The other…the other was a shining knife that he had taken from a drawer in the kitchen.

Life had never truly been fair to Remus. It had always been so hard, from his secret to his home life to everything. He had always been awkward around strangers, fearing that they could see right through him. As a young child he had been terrified that everyone would discover his condition and hunt him down like an animal. At Hogwarts he had found friends, friends who accepted him and were willing to risk being expelled in order to give him some company on the full moons. That had been the happiest time in his life. Then, with the betrayal of someone he trusted, he had lost four friends. Suddenly Sirius was in prison, Peter was a traitor, and Lily and James were dead. That had been the hardest time in his life, dealing with the loss of his beloved and his friends. That was one of the times he had attempted suicide.

_Closing your eyes to disappear,_

_You pray your dreams will leave you here,_

_But still you wake and know the truth,_

_No one's there._

The first time he had attempted suicide he was only eleven. That had been after his father had died and his mother was sick. He had been alone, tired, and confused, his secret weighing down upon him as always. He had taken the knife from the drawer in the kitchen and held it in his hand, staring at the sharp edge. Then he had lowered it to his wrist, pressing gently on the skin. The blade had been sharp enough that it had drawn a thin line of blood across his wrist. He would have pressed harder and slit his wrist entirely then, but a tapping came at the window. There was an owl carrying a letter in the window, demanding entrance. Hogwarts had saved his life.

The second time he had taken the knife out again, holding it over his wrist in the same position once more. That time the only thing that had stopped her was a single memory of a single night. The image of Sirius's face in front of him flashed into his mind, the memory of their lips crushed together blinking into view as well. It was Sirius who saved him then. But…who would save him now?

_Say goodnight,_

_Don't be afraid,_

_Calling me, calling me as you fade to black._

Sirius was gone.

There was nothing to live for.

Nothing anymore.

With sudden decision he pulled out a piece of parchment, writing his final words in a hurried frenzy and then setting it on the table.

The knife penetrated his heart easily, far easier than he had expected.

There was no one to save him this time, nothing holding him back.

It was too late.

Too late for life, too late to be saved.

Darkness fell.

_Holding my last breath,_

_Safe inside myself,_

_Are all my thoughts of you,_

_Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight._

The sun rose to a wash of blood red painting the sky. There was death in the air, it was heavy and dark and it spoke of that which had already been done. As Dumbledore arrived in Remus's apartment he knew he was too late.

The afternoon was cold, made colder by the heavy mist that wrapped itself around the graveyard. Harry stood strong against the chill, his arms wrapped around himself to keep in the warmth of his body. His skin was pale, his figure gaunt, his eyes sad and hollowed. A piece of parchment was clutched in his grip and he stared at it, feeling sick to his stomach as he kept the grief down. He read the words that he knew so well once more, words that were written in a hurried hand that was so familiar. For a moment longer he stared at the parchment. Then he let it go, let the parchment fall to the grave he stood next to.

_**I'm sorry. **_

_**I love him. **_

_**I'm so sorry.**_

_**I can't stay here. **_

_**I can't take it.**_

_**Goodbye.**_

A single tear fell from the boy's emerald eyes as he looked at the grave of the last marauder, of his mentor, professor, and friend.

"Goodbye."

Harry walked away, leaving the graveyard and the marauders behind him. The shades of the spirits who had once filled the bodies that were held in the cold grip of the earth watched him leave from their invisible perches. One in particular watched, the invisible shade of a young man with brown hair. Though his eyes were sad as he watched the boy there was light in them that was brighter than it had ever been on earth. For a moment he reached his hand towards the boy, and the boy stopped as though he had felt a hand upon his shoulder. Then he continued on and the ghost stayed behind, watching him leave. Then the spirit cast its gaze upwards into the shinning sky and the open arms of his best friends.

_Goodbye._

_And hello._


End file.
